dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
