Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
