my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
