we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
