What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
