Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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