I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf