Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.