I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
