My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
