i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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