my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
