Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
