He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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