ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
