i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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