He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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