my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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