Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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