I cannot find my penis.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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