anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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