I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
