Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
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Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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