I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
