upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
