Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
