I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
