Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
