Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
