Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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