All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
