i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
