i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
