i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
