her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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