I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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