I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
