My friends, they love my intelligence
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
