don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I look better un-naked...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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