Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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