I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
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Every concussion has its silver lining
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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