I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
