just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
