She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
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Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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