I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
