just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
