Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
