Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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