She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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