Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
