Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
