Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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