make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
