4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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