im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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