if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
