im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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