cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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