Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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