It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
