Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
