I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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