Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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