wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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